These thoughts have not arisen from inspiration or indignation. They have came from realisation.
It all stems from the problem which is, I think too much.
I hear you say, "everybody thinks Connor, why is it a query of yours, and only use?"
You as a person with your own opinion are probably right, but it's me who's writing and you that's reading, so let's get on with it.
Thinking so much, you give up thinking. Thinking something through to an intrinsic and complicated conclusion that leaves you in a state of lonely enlightenment. This is a subject I am becoming quite knowledgeable in.
My thoughts are filled with deep consideration and care, mainly for other people. Full to the brim of truth and honesty about myself and about the situations that happen to be passing through my head. Christ, I've found my true self in deep thought so often I've lost count.
So saying this. This sporadic, unintelligible, whimsical stream of consciousness: Who is anybody to take me, my mentality and personality and say it's warped or even unstable? Why are people so quick to judge on things which they have clearly not taken the right amount of time or correct amount of consideration into account?
I bet if you got to know me properly (truly) you'd be amazed at what I, one man, am capable of.
If you were patient and properly caring (caring down to the deepest meaning of the word and not just saying you are so everyone will like you. I mean properly caring) you would see the side of me that beams with white shafts of light of haggard passion, love and thoughtfulness. You would look at me and think, "This guy is genuine. The real deal."
The other problem here is, I think too highly of people and it seems I get very little in return. It seems that beautiful individuals that I have genuinely cared for in various stages of my life seem to develop the habit of finding the smallest amount of time for me.
It's true what they say: it's a dog eat dog world in every walk of life. Every man for themselves. And, I know, it's very naive and short sighted of me to have stumbled across this fact now and not earlier. This cold, hard fact.
Maybe I'm too passionate. Maybe I go in guns blazing at first without thinking it through. Maybe the passion and love i have to offer is too much to handle.
Why do I even bother about other people now that I have come to terms with this grave piece of knowledge stated above? The fact.
I think the time has come where I have to change into an ignorant, do-it-for-yourself, bastard. Everyone else looks to be following this trend. This thought goes into the need for success everyone has. In order to succeed, you have to be prepared to hurt and disappoint individuals along the way.
And, when I say succeed, I mean succeed. Don't give me any of this philosophical shit about how people's minds are manipulated and warped into a negative state of mind that success blinkers you and runs your life.
Well, here's a fun fact. Success does run our lives. Success gives us a drive to live our universally insignificant lives and we are looking for it all the time, whatever we aspire to, or end up, doing.
It's not an act of vanity being successful. It's an act of vanity proclaiming your successful if that's the moral problem your struggling to hurdle over.
You make your own way and you can't let anyone stutter your stride, or even stop you completely in your tracks. Many will try to do it, either intentionally or unintentionally. But it will happen.
Thinking excessively about the people you think you care about for days on end is the biggest stutter. And, here's a winding thought: the people you think about all day, that are distracting you from symbolically moving forward in your life, aren't thinking half, or even a quarter, as much of you.
All this thoughtful consideration of everyone you meet quite literally gets you nowhere. Gets you nowhere emotionally,spiritually, mentally or even willfully.
Thinking too much will bring thoughts of pure love, but in time, will also bring about thoughts of malice, hurt and suffering. It just isn't worth it. Thinking about changing to better yourself for another person can be a good thing. Thinking about the experiences you have shared with friends, family etc. is a good thing. For, if done in the correct way, evolves one's self into an altogether better individual. However, exhausting the thought process of these subjective times is harmful, to both yourself and the views of the people in subject.
Thinking is great. But, too much can be destructive.
No conclusion has been met in these ramblings. It's more a mish-mash of weakly linked ideas strewn together in order to get something off my chest and out of my mind. This isn't an attack, it's a realistion of myself. I hope we're all still friends.
A change is in order though. Becoming a being who lives in the moment. Someone who is generous and also selfish at the right times is what I must become to evolve into a better, even more successful human being.
