A Whimsical Screed of Frustrated Analysis

These thoughts have not arisen from inspiration or indignation. They have came from realisation.

It all stems from the problem which is, I think too much.
I hear you say, "everybody thinks Connor, why is it a query of yours, and only use?"
You as a person with your own opinion are probably right, but it's me who's writing and you that's reading, so let's get on with it.

Thinking so much, you give up thinking. Thinking something through to an intrinsic and complicated conclusion that leaves you in a state of lonely enlightenment. This is a subject I am becoming quite knowledgeable in.

My thoughts are filled with deep consideration and care, mainly for other people. Full to the brim of truth and honesty about myself and about the situations that happen to be passing through my head. Christ, I've found my true self in deep thought so often I've lost count.
So saying this. This sporadic, unintelligible, whimsical stream of consciousness: Who is anybody to take me, my mentality and personality and say it's warped or even unstable? Why are people so quick to judge on things which they have clearly not taken the right amount of time or correct amount of consideration into account?
I bet if you got to know me properly (truly) you'd be amazed at what I, one man, am capable of.
If you were patient and properly caring (caring down to the deepest meaning of the word and not just saying you are so everyone will like you. I mean properly caring) you would see the side of me that beams with white shafts of light of haggard passion, love and thoughtfulness. You would look at me and think, "This guy is genuine. The real deal."

The other problem here is, I think too highly of people and it seems I get very little in return. It seems that beautiful individuals that I have genuinely cared for in various stages of my life seem to develop the habit of finding the smallest amount of time for me.

It's true what they say: it's a dog eat dog world in every walk of life. Every man for themselves. And, I know, it's very naive and short sighted of me to have stumbled across this fact now and not earlier. This cold, hard fact.

Maybe I'm too passionate. Maybe I go in guns blazing at first without thinking it through. Maybe the passion and love i have to offer is too much to handle.

Why do I even bother about other people now that I have come to terms with this grave piece of knowledge stated above? The fact.
I think the time has come where I have to change into an ignorant, do-it-for-yourself, bastard. Everyone else looks to be following this trend. This thought goes into the need for success everyone has. In order to succeed, you have to be prepared to hurt and disappoint individuals along the way.
And, when I say succeed, I mean succeed. Don't give me any of this philosophical shit about how people's minds are manipulated and warped into a negative state of mind  that success blinkers you and runs your life.
Well, here's a fun fact. Success does run our lives. Success gives us a drive to live our universally insignificant lives and we are looking for it all the time, whatever we aspire to, or end up, doing.
It's not an act of vanity being successful. It's an act of vanity proclaiming your successful if that's the moral problem your struggling to hurdle over.

You make your own way and you can't let anyone stutter your stride, or even stop you completely in your tracks. Many will try to do it, either intentionally or unintentionally. But it will happen.
Thinking excessively about the people you think you care about for days on end is the biggest stutter. And, here's a winding thought: the people you think about all day, that are distracting you from symbolically moving forward in your life, aren't thinking half, or even a quarter, as much of you.

All this thoughtful consideration of everyone you meet quite literally gets you nowhere. Gets you nowhere emotionally,spiritually, mentally or even willfully.
Thinking too much will bring thoughts of pure love, but in time, will also bring about thoughts of malice, hurt and suffering. It just isn't worth it. Thinking about changing to better yourself for another person can be a good thing. Thinking about the experiences you have shared with friends, family etc. is a good thing. For, if done in the correct way, evolves one's self into an altogether better individual. However, exhausting the thought process of these subjective times is harmful, to both yourself and the views of the people in subject.

Thinking is great. But, too much can be destructive.

No conclusion has been met in these ramblings. It's more a mish-mash of weakly linked ideas strewn together in order to get something off my chest and out of my mind. This isn't an attack, it's a realistion of myself. I hope we're all still friends.
A change is in order though. Becoming a being who lives in the moment. Someone who is generous and also selfish at the right times is what I must become to evolve into a better, even more successful human being.

An Artist

Even your myopic views on un-analysed situations sound like they have been well and truly, thoroughly, thoughtfully considered.

An artist; you want to be.
An artist; you can be.

When the rest of the world has temporarily retired and ceased to wonder, an inspirational, idyllic force shoots scores of ideological stars through your sweet, visionary, Promethean mind.
When people settle for the "normal way" of living: your beautifully unique, original self sees these processed, routine methods -everyone else sees as meaningful in order to proceed to fulfillment in life- as somewhat pointless.

You understand, but you truly believe there's more.

The unabashed, intellectual confidence you have, to tell people,"It doesn't have to be that way, if you don't want it to be..."

An artist; you will become.

As I walk by your side and wonder, "What thoughts are passing through that maverick mind of yours?"

An Artist; you are.



Conn Harp

Start a routine with all these new exciting things... Eventually it will become boring

Living at home with my parents; nice house, nice food, living free and easy. Not touching a single penny in any of my three bank accounts (why I have three I do not know).

Come Saturday, after work, it's back to Uni life. I attend the Stirling University Football Club's annual dinner, get drunk, then retreat to my flat to sleep.
The next day, Sunday, I spend my last £10 on beer and fortified wine and have such a brilliant time with all my friends. However, remembering what I actually did the next morning was extremely difficult.
From then on I have been recovering from that day, physically, mentally and emotionally. "What a bloody day!" I think.

However, all this carousing, fun and good times make me feel a bit of guilt and at the end of it all I ask myself: "Yeah, good stuff. But, what have I achieved?"

It is 3am on a Thursday morning and a crest of productivity has washed over me and I'm going to endeavor in making this sudden productivity last for the next four weeks... At the least.
Because, I know this great thing, this motivational phenom that comes every so often in my life will run it's course and I'll then find myself right back to square one.

Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do. Get tired...
After sieving through the details and filtering it down to it's most simplest form, this is my life.

It is a cycle I am accustomed to.
Do I need to change it?
Probably.

Change, 75% of the time, is a good thing.
Saying this, that 75 per cent success rate comes with a helluvalot of hard work to constitute the change -that has the potential to shape a new path in your life- a good one.


Motivate. Do. Start a change in life. Keep change. Make it a routine. Do routine. Do routine again. Do it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again....
Get tired. Laze about. Get drunk. Think. Motivate. Do...

It can probably be described as a test of character. Sticking to a productive routine is hard. Or can be.
It all just depends if you've made a change for the better.

Conn Harp

The potential is there, but the work still has to be done

After numerous people showing interest in my music, I have decided to write a blog to illustrate what I do and where I'm going with it in words on the internet.

Enjoy...

After playing my first professional gig, supporting headline act (and now partial mentor) Dave Sharp, at Pivo Pivo in Glasgow in early April, a wave of praise headed my way. A standing ovation; air filled with the sound of applause and hollers; members of the audience coming up and shaking my hand; faces filled with shocked smiles.
A member of the audience approaches me and says, "Not bad for a support act! I can tell you I wasn't expecting that! Fuckin' brilliant!"
"Cheers man" I reply with a smile, as the sweat drips from my face after all the stomping, growling and harp blowing.
I felt calm before my set. I had prepared well for this event, so I expected myself to put on a good show. During my act I felt I made a couple of slight mistakes, nothing the crowd would notice. It was a solid and energetic performance. I could see through tinted sun-glass lenses people nodding their heads, moving their shoulders and stamping their feet to the beat and rhythm i was creating. The energy of the sound manipulated my behavior. It felt so good.
My energy and confidence turned into humility as I ended the act with a sustained, bluesy note from my harp, and the sound of my beat-boxing, humming, harp riffs and lyrics was immediately replaced by sheer applause and shouts from the crowd.
"Thank you very much, I've been Connor McCann, you've been the audience... Thank you and good night!"   
It's a good start to "my career" if anything. A few more gigs singing Son of Dave songs, rattling out some other covers and playing some sketchy songs of my own and I might just make a name for myself. Nothing wrong with that now is there?
However, Before this gig, I didn't really think about where I wanted to go with my music.
I didn't really think about developing my very own act.
As mentioned above I play mostly covers. I haven't, as yet, developed an act that I can truly say is my own.
So, after sitting down and discussing this with certain people, including musician Dave Sharp, I am now in a development phase. Studying the blues, beat poets and other styles of creative entertainment to create something that is dirty, raunchy and, on the off chance, inspiring to future audiences!

This could be the start of something insightful and beautiful or, maybe, just the start of another bozo thinking he is being uniquely interesting with ramblings and crappy ideas.
At this moment in time, all we can do is wait patiently. Wait and see if all this estimated potential turns into something I can deem worthy to display to you, the fan, on that lonesome stage.

As you read on in future blogs, take note and pay attention as I start my journey of musical discovery and reveal all as I embark into the unforeseeable future.
Let's see what happens.

Conn Harp